tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3883846374325832752024-02-20T06:22:25.870+00:00Ter AtkinsTer Atkinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08658972017293560267noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-388384637432583275.post-16413041546008498182012-11-09T17:35:00.000+00:002012-11-09T17:35:32.415+00:00Six hundred and sixteen legs<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Hello. I didn’t write a blog post last week. Smack me with a
tofurkey and call me Matilda.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(If you’re bored with this already, scroll down to the
bottom. There’s a freebie.)</div>
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<br /></div>
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I’ve just been having a think about what to write about
while I was in the shower. I was running through what I’ve done this week. At
about the hair conditioner stage I realised I don’t interact with people much. This
is what happens when you work from home. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. I’ve
met people.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I did interact with a lot of spiders this week though. There
was a scout party of three sent to my office. I was happy to co-exist. They
were on the ceiling and I don’t go there often. </div>
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<br /></div>
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A couple of days after they first arrived, I looked up to
see how Itsy, Bitsy and Charlotte were doing. I noticed there were bits of dirt
in the corner of the ceiling. Then I realised that the bits of dirt were
moving. I got up to give my short-sighted eyes more of a chance. I saw it wasn’t
just one corner of the ceiling. The swarm was concentrated there, but they were
spreading. A dozen had already taken the corner by the light switch. A troop of
eight was marching across the expanse of white matt to the bookshelf corner. It
was a full-on invasion. I lost count at 77 arachnids when the doorbell rang (it
was the twazzy postman – the one who has to snort snot back up his nose before
he talks). </div>
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<br /></div>
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In the end they had to be dealt with (sadly only the
spiders, not the postman). I didn’t do it myself. I’m choosing to believe that
every one of them is now living on a farm in the country.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
***</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I released <a href="https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/253278?ref=TerAtkins">Enjoy Your Stay</a>,
a short story, on Smashwords this week. If you use code WT99X at the checkout,
it’ll be free (valid until 9 December 2012).</div>
Ter Atkinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08658972017293560267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-388384637432583275.post-46856515671946673992012-10-26T16:16:00.000+01:002012-10-26T16:18:06.822+01:00Dear Diary<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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I don’t keep a diary. I’ve tried, several times, which is
testament only to an attitude of hope over experience. The first day’s entry
will go something like this:</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 3.0cm; margin-right: 3.0cm; margin-top: 0cm;">
25 March 8:43pm</div>
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Had pasta for dinner. Earlier today
the twazzle next door was playing dance music again. I don’t know how he
manages to sing along. My left ankle hurts if I stand on one leg.</div>
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sets in on day four, and by day five I’ve forgotten that I was writing a diary
(again).</div>
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<br /></div>
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Someone who I imagine does keep a diary (or else has
phenomenal memory skills) is Joan Stubbs, who gives a detailed account <a href="http://uswarbrides.com/bride_stories/jstubbs.html">here</a> of her trip
on the first mass voyage ferrying GI brides to the USA. I love a bit of social
history (you can keep the dates and what-King-when stuff).</div>
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started life in 1937 by recording – via written diaries – the everyday lives of
ordinary people.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Simon Garfield, in his book <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Our Hidden Lives: The Remarkable Diaries of Postwar Britain</i>,
collates the diary entries of five Mass Observation volunteers in the immediate
post-WWII years. The result is utterly engrossing, completely fascinating and,
ultimately, just a little bit heartbreaking.</div>
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<br /></div>
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***</div>
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<br /></div>
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p.s. 25 October 8:08pm</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had couscous for dinner. The neighbour’s bought a karaoke
machine. My left hip hurts if I hop.</div>
Ter Atkinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08658972017293560267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-388384637432583275.post-58947202652025515922012-10-19T17:37:00.000+01:002012-10-19T17:38:19.322+01:00I Can't Believe It's Come To This<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Ter Atkinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08658972017293560267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-388384637432583275.post-37827986091657665402012-10-13T16:20:00.000+01:002012-10-13T16:25:26.568+01:00Let's All Think About Windscreen WipersI love my phone for one reason. When it comes out of hibernation, and demonstrates to me that it’s raining by showering the screen with CGI raindrops (complete with rain-on-a-tin-roof sound effect), it then produces the image of a windscreen wiper, and swiftly cleans those raindrops away.<br /><br />This never fails to amaze and enthral me. If it ever stops being a source of wonderment, there really will be no reason to carry on. <br /><br />I’ve been thinking a lot about windscreen wipers this week, entirely due to the assertion in Autoglass’s current ad campaign that I don’t think about them much. <br /><br />I didn’t know a lot about them to start with and little has changed there. I did start reading the Wikipedia page but it couldn’t hold my attention. If a wiper had dropped down from the top of the screen that would have been a different matter. I’d still be watching it now.<br /><br />What I did find was a lovely little animation about their invention at <a href="http://markinmotion.com/animation/discovery_museum_gladstone_adams/index.html" target="_blank">markinmotion.com</a>. Not only does it have the mellow charm of old school children’s TV, but I’m pretty sure Gladstone Adams farts at around 56 seconds. <br />Ter Atkinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08658972017293560267noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-388384637432583275.post-61877165738293408492012-10-05T16:52:00.000+01:002012-10-05T16:52:15.996+01:00Ts and Cs<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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You know the high-pitched fast-voiced ‘Ts and Cs apply’ at
the end of every other radio ad? I’ve been wondering what the ‘T’ and the ‘C’ could
stand for. If no one can be bothered to use the proper words, let’s make it
interesting.</div>
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Tequila and chundering? Tall and chubby? Tampons and Charles
(or Camilla)? </div>
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<br /></div>
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I’m for having the ‘T’ represent cups of tea. The ‘C’
represents, well, the sea. The cups will float on their saucer boats on the
sea, rising and falling on the crests of rolling waves, slopping mid-brown brew
over the side (this explains the colour of the sea at Blackpool). The sugar
lumps on the side will lose their purchase and fall into the salty brine. It
was probably a sugar lump that sank the titanic.</div>
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That’s what I’ll picture now when I hear ‘Ts and Cs’. A
granulated cube of the sweet stuff causing a deadly maritime disaster, resulting
in that episode of Dr Who with Kylie in it.</div>
Ter Atkinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08658972017293560267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-388384637432583275.post-21675509984022543732012-09-28T16:01:00.001+01:002012-09-28T16:03:12.137+01:00Call Me<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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A little over a month ago, I was talking about phone scams (<a href="http://teratkins.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/dont-call-me.html" target="_blank">Don't Call Me</a>).</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My brain is even slower than I thought. The right and
correct way to handle it came to me earlier, not as predicted while in the
shower, but as I was adding Marmite to toast (which is always a great activity to
engage in, earth-shattering revelation or not).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is how it will go.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Hello?’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Ma’am,
it’s about your computer problem.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Oh, thank
you for ringing back so quickly. I just didn’t know what to do.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘That’s
okay, ma’am, I’m here to help you. I’ll just need your password, then I can fix
it all for you.’</div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Oh, that’s
wonderful. Thank you so much.’</div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘If I can
take your password now, ma’am.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Here we go.
It’s Y for Yankee.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Yes.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘O for
Oscar.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Yes.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘U for
uniform.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Yes.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘R for
Romeo.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Yes.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘E for echo.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Yes.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘A for alpha.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Yes.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘C for
Charlie.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Yes.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘U for
uniform.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Yes.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘N for November.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then they put the phone down. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At least that’s how I imagine it will go. Now I just need
some sort of DeLorean-based time-travelling device so I can test it out.</div>
Ter Atkinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08658972017293560267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-388384637432583275.post-71406223262754627722012-09-22T11:40:00.000+01:002012-09-22T11:40:02.761+01:00Analyse This<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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So far, so good.</div>
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Except I haven’t run in a week because I’ve injured my right
knee. During the last seven days, I’ve also detected a distinct degradation in
my decision-making skills. I now theorise that the right knee is the
decision-making knee. Maybe we could test this theory with everyone smacking
themselves in the right knee and then seeing if they can decide what to have
for dinner. If you can’t inflict pain on yourself, get someone else to do it.
Try annoying someone who’s been getting on your wick for a while but who you
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members of our families. (An aunt, an uncle and a cousin for me – I can’t speak
for the others, I don’t know them. Also, they’re not real.) I do a little bit
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When I find the route again, the other three runners are
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<br /></div>
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I come in 76th.</div>
Ter Atkinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08658972017293560267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-388384637432583275.post-15334575234244164382012-09-14T14:45:00.000+01:002012-09-14T14:45:35.299+01:00“When I grow up, I’m going to be an estate agents' bugbear.”<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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The above title is a line (as accurately as I remember it) from a book
I read as a kid. I can’t remember which one. Probably something involving
ponies (I couldn’t have one, so I read about people who did instead).</div>
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<br /></div>
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It stuck in my mind because I thought, yes, I’m going to
grow up to be that sort of person too. I’d like to spend hours of my life
nosing at houses that I have no intention of buying. It was a prediction worthy
of Mystic Meg.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I wouldn’t go and bother actual estate agents, of course.
That would involve leaving the house, talking to people, and being polite about
curtains. The writer of the quote above can’t even have imagined how much more
fun and accessible bugbearing could get, thanks to the internet.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I can easily lose half a day browsing houses. Mostly it’s
aspirational, winning the lottery-type browsing. Once I find one I like, I get
absorbed by the floor plan. Aren’t floor plans wonderful? I can spend half an
hour imagining what each room would be used for, how my life would be lived in
that house.</div>
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<br /></div>
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The lower end of the market (that’s the one in my price
bracket) can be a bit disappointing. Occasionally I come across a photo of a
vast, loft-type room and think, wow. Then I’ll see another photo of the
property, of a room that contains some furniture, or white goods. Suddenly, I
notice that there’s a microwave so wide it could cook an entire cow. Or there’s
a bath so vast that one end is in a different time zone to the other. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Please stop stretching photos to make properties look
bigger, estate agents. It spoils my bugbearing. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(And if anyone can tell me where the hell that quote comes
from, I’d love to know.)</div>
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<br /></div>
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***</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you fancy reading a bit of fiction, I’ve added a new page
to the blog – <a href="http://teratkins.blogspot.co.uk/p/books.html">Books</a>
– where I’ll be listing my current books.</div>
Ter Atkinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08658972017293560267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-388384637432583275.post-69074709667685016222012-09-07T14:29:00.000+01:002012-09-10T16:32:07.852+01:00Please sir, no more!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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I’ve just eaten my lunch (nothing unusual in that, I know –
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<br /></div>
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I had a great big salad of lots of different leaves,
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yum. It got me thinking, though, in a contrary sort of way, of the worst thing
I’ve ever eaten.</div>
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<br /></div>
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When I was about 18 I was living in a bedsit. I wasn’t
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pasta and half of the onion. I drained it, plopped (this really is the right
word, believe me) it on as plate, and topped it with a good drizzle of Daddies’
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I’ve eaten at motorway service stations.</div>
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Do you know what the worst thing was? I spent all of the
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end.</div>
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The following month, I didn’t learn my lesson. What I did
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all the way.</div>
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<br /></div>
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***</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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I’ve released another short story this week. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Holding Cells and Dragons</i> is a short
story featuring DC Dan Deanson. Dan has a problem when his friend, the one with
the scaley tail, is suspected of a crime. He hopes he won’t have to arrest him.
They don’t have cuffs big enough.</div>
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<br /></div>
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It’s available at <a href="https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/226906">Smashwords</a> in formats
for every ereader, and <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Holding-Cells-and-Dragons-ebook/dp/B0095I7PC4/?ref=TerAtkins">Amazon
(UK)</a>, <a href="http://amazon.co.de/">Amazon (DE)</a>, <a href="http://www.amazon.fr/Holding-Cells-and-Dragons-ebook/dp/B0095I7PC4/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1347024182&sr=8-5">Amazon
(FR)</a>, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Holding-Cells-and-Dragons-ebook/dp/B0095I7PC4/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1347023957&sr=8-7&keywords=ter+atkins">Amazon
(US)</a>, <a href="http://www.amazon.it/Holding-Cells-and-Dragons-ebook/dp/B0095I7PC4/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1347024251&sr=8-5">Amazon
(IT)</a> and <a href="http://www.amazon.es/Holding-Cells-and-Dragons-ebook/dp/B0095I7PC4/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1347024316&sr=8-5">Amazon
(ES)</a> for Kindle.</div>
Ter Atkinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08658972017293560267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-388384637432583275.post-39812533425360292602012-08-31T14:53:00.002+01:002012-08-31T15:14:36.011+01:00Monotony<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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You know that feeling, when you get back from holiday, how
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Odd isn’t it?</div>
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A person could spent their lives going around in that kind
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Coffee!</div>
Ter Atkinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08658972017293560267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-388384637432583275.post-23452066263829166442012-08-24T16:22:00.000+01:002012-08-24T16:45:24.541+01:00Don't Call Me<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
It finally happened. No, not with me and the girl from
Clapham.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m talking about one of those phone calls. The ones where
the caller wants to talk to you about computer problems. They act as though
you’ve been in touch with them, and they’re ringing back to help you. Nearly
everyone I know has had one of those calls. But I haven’t, until now.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I pick up
the phone.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Hello?’ I
can hear a call centre noise, but no voice.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Hello?’ I
debate putting the phone down, but decide against it. I’ve been sitting at a
desk on my own all day, whipping words into order. A distraction wouldn’t go
amiss. An argument wouldn’t either. I’ll give it one last go.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Hello?’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Ma’am,
it’s about your computer problem.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>How
delightfully non-specific, I think, I know what this is. I open my mouth.
Nothing comes out.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Ma’am?’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It must be
over a year since I first heard about this scam, and in all that time I haven’t
come up with an appropriate retort. And I can’t think on the spot. Really, I
can’t. This is why I prefer to communicate with the written word.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Ma’am, you
have a problem with your computer?’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>My brain’s
working on the retort. I’ve only just sent in the request though. It’s going to
take a while.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘My
problem,’ I say, ‘is people ringing up trying to scam me.’ I put the phone
down.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I expect, in about three weeks, a suitably witty quip will
pop out of my brain, unannounced yet fully formed. In all likelihood, I’ll be
in the shower when this happens, unable to write it down. By the time I get
out, I’ll have forgotten it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*This week, I’ve launched a collection of short stories in
electronic format, Treasury #1. I won’t attempt a hard sell, because I’m not
sure I’d know how (and even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to keep a straight
face). I just thought I’d mention it. In passing, y’know. You can get it at
Amazon for the <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Treasury-1-ebook/dp/B00915VEYQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1345821346&sr=8-1">Kindle</a>,
and <a href="https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/218264?ref=TerAtkins">Smashwords</a> for
pretty much anything else.</div>
Ter Atkinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08658972017293560267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-388384637432583275.post-31999159478403996842012-08-17T14:22:00.000+01:002012-08-17T14:22:19.267+01:00Open Sesame
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Have you ever struggled to open a door?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t mean you’ve had your hands full, balancing a full
glass of vodka and coke (or whatever’s your poison) in one hand, a blackcurrant
ice lolly in the other, with a book tucked under your arm, and struggled with a
door handle.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m talking about being so damn stupid you can’t open a
door. I find myself in this particular situation a lot. Well, maybe not daily,
but certainly more than I believe is statistically average.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If there are two entrances to a place, and one is locked, I
will always pick the locked one. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Always</i>.
If a door needs to be pulled, I push it. If it needs to be pushed, I pull it.
Mostly, I just try both. And still the door doesn’t open.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have to come to a halt in front of automatic sliding
doors, waiting for them to do their stuff. I feel like I’m awaiting validation
from some unseen source. When my identity has been confirmed, the doors slowly
slide back into their recesses.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Not </i>having a door
can equally be a problem. You know those stores in shopping centres that are
completely open-fronted, with no doors or windows? I was in one of those once,
or at least I thought I was. When I went to leave and walked straight into the
plate glass window, I realised I wasn’t. The sales assistant seemed very genuine
in her concern, despite her tears of laughter. I must have gone in through a
door to get into that shop (I certainly did to get out of it, quite quickly and
with a glowing face), but hadn’t remembered doing so. I guess it must have been
one of the few occasions that I’d managed to open a door seamlessly, therefore
obliterating the action from my memory.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Which doors have flummoxed you?</div>
Ter Atkinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08658972017293560267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-388384637432583275.post-53639841447360408052012-08-10T17:03:00.000+01:002012-08-10T17:03:39.522+01:00The Man on Platform 2<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
From somewhere in front of me in the carriage, a loud voice
talks into a mobile phone.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Have you
had that Pot Noodle?’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>(Pause)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Well I’ll
be hungry!’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>(Pause)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘I’ll cook
the Pot Noodle when I get home. Have you had that beer?’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>(Pause)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘You fat cow!’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m three quarters of the way through a long journey, the
day is nearly over, and I’m feeling dozy and daydreamy. My head is resting on
the window as the train makes its way across the green, lush landscape. A
tractor is hard at work in a field, cutting hay. I watch the sun slowly
setting. We seem to be chasing it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The window
spans my seat and the one behind. There is a blind above it. Without warning,
the blind is yanked downwards. It stops half-way down the window, a large wodge
of chewing gum in the frame preventing it moving any further. I toy with the
idea of asking the person behind me if they’ve considered that I might like the
view. I decide against it. I’ll say it’s because I prefer to stay dozy and
daydreamy, which is partly true. We all know it’s because I’m a wimp, though.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A rap-based ringtone blasts out from in front of me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Hello
babe.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>(Pause)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘You
didn’t! You fat cow!’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The blind inexplicably goes back up again. The sun has not
set. I wonder if the person behind me has had an epiphany, and suddenly discovered
the beauty outside the window.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A short while later, the train pulls into a station. Two
people are standing at the train door, waiting for it to come to a complete
halt. The woman behind me gets up and joins them. She looks normal, quite
pretty. I wouldn’t have had her down as a blind puller. A man gets up from in
front of me and joins the queue. He has short, brown hair and his face is set
on scowl.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Through the
window, I can see the passengers disembarking. A woman gets off first and,
despite being at the back of the queue, scowly man is off next. He heads back
my way along the platform. Through the window, over the thrum of the engine, I
hear a rap-based ring tone. He pulls a phone out of his pocket.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Hello
babe.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>(Pause)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘You cow!’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m glad this isn’t my stop.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>*I've tried a new sandwich this week. I started by toasting two pieces of multigrain bread. I smooshed a ripe avocado into one piece of the toast, then sprinkled over black pepper. I topped this with chopped red and green peppers and red chilli. I spread plain houmous over the other piece of toast and sandwiched the lot together. It's no Pot Noodle, but pretty good. 8.5/10. </i></div>Ter Atkinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08658972017293560267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-388384637432583275.post-28718673900704299932012-08-03T15:43:00.002+01:002012-08-03T16:21:26.554+01:00My Least Favourite Waste of Time<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sandwiched between crisp, white cotton sheets, in those
moments before going to sleep, is my favourite time. I can finally stretch out
and relax, exorcising the day.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My least favourite time of day is a three or four hours
later. No longer am I relaxed, but I am still tired. Insomnia is a bugger of a
thing. And the longer I’m awake, the more tired but less like sleeping I feel.
Round and round my mind goes – ‘must go to sleep now, only (look at clock) <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">X</i> hours until I have to get up’. The
lower the value of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">X</i>, the greater the
tension. It’s a nightmarish countdown, but with no chance of having a
nightmare.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I used to find, after an hour or so of sleeplessness, some
cheese on toast would knock me out as reliably as any (over)dose of vodka. Then
I came over all vegan. From the point of view of getting some sleep, it was not
my wisest move.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyone want to join me in a potato-based fermented beverage?</div>Ter Atkinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08658972017293560267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-388384637432583275.post-37134344789654159272012-07-27T16:04:00.000+01:002012-08-03T16:22:45.559+01:00Where? There on the beach<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">My trainer-clad feet marched out in front of me, one after
the other. My eyes stayed on the uneven path, my focus for the moment taken
away from the bright blue sky. I negotiated a tussock of tarmac, rising out of
the track like a tiny, extinct volcano. A few steps ahead of me movement caught
my eye. A small brown mouse stopped dead, one tiny paw lifted in the air, as if
requesting permission to pee. Then it bolted, disappearing into the undergrowth
in a blur.</span></div>
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I wonder if coastal mouse is the envy of his town-dwelling
cousins. Does he* nibble on samphire, with a side of leftover chips scavenged
from tossed-away wrappings? Maybe he gnaws on a stick of rock at the end of the
meal, wondering what the letters in the middle spell out.</div>
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<br /></div>
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What does coastal mouse do for fun? Surfing maybe? There’s
something I’d like to see. Perhaps those tiny claws imprint the virgin sand
each morning as he jogs across the beach. His whiskers twitch as he inhales the
fresh morning air, before he breaks the surf and doggy paddles across the bay
and back.</div>
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If I see him, I’ll be sure to take a photo.</div>
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*Coastal mouse could equally be a she. He/she didn’t flash
me so I don’t know. Not that I’m encouraging anyone to flash me.</div>Ter Atkinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08658972017293560267noreply@blogger.com0